How Do I Cope While Watching My Child Suffer?

My son was in respiratory distress for months after he was born. Ransom arrived with an airway disorder called laryngomalacia, and his particular case was severe. His chest caved in with every breath. The force of his breathing caused stridor — a squeaky, whistley kind of breathing that caused an undercurrent of angst in anyone listening. His skin turned a bluish purple a few times in front of us, his body not able to oxygenate properly. Ransom lost a little more weight each day since his body was using every calorie to breathe.  

After two surgeries and three hospital stays, I sat with my one-month-old in absolute emotional distress. Every. Single. Breath was work for him. It grieved me to watch him suffer as his mother, his protector...his safe place. At this point in our story, we were beginning to be confronted with the idea that we might lose our child. 

As I sat stroking his head, Ransom still whistling away with each breath, the God of all comfort brought a thought to my mind: God knows how I feel. 

Finding comfort in suffering

God the Father knows what it’s like to watch a child suffer. His one and only Son lived an uncomfortable life and was pinned to a wooden beam, painfully taking in each breath as his body hung. His perfect Son, the mirror image of himself, was in agonizing distress.    

Tears pooled in my eyes. This time, I was not sad about the suffering of my son. This time, I realized on a deeper level the greatness of God’s love for us. (Ephesians 2:4-8) I would never willingly allow my son to suffer; it is not in my nature to be so utterly selfless. But God did.

Not only did he allow Jesus to suffer physically, but He also poured out holy wrath against the sin of His people onto His Son. Jesus was the ransom, the payment for my debt. This was not just respiratory distress. This was a kind of body and soul anguish that no other person would ever taste. 

This kind of love is too large to comprehend. If I had the ability to fix my son, I would’ve done it. God the Father had the ability to pluck his Son off that cross, and he chose not to. Here’s the best news in the world: After Jesus Christ willingly died to pay for my sin, He rose from the dead three days later. Jesus is alive! Death has been conquered, and Jesus is coming again to gather His people so we will always be with Him (1 Thessalonians 4:17). This, my friend, is our hope.  

Finding a song we can sing

As these thoughts rolled around in my mind while hanging onto the side of Ransom’s hospital bed, a beloved song came to mind:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from this reward?
I cannot give an answer;
But this I know with all my heart--
His wounds have paid my ransom.
(“How Deep the Father’s Love For Us” – Stuart Townend)

Meditating on this song and the truth of it found in the Bible did not change my circumstance. Ransom whistled on, and we continued to add medical interventions to keep him growing: oxygen, a feeding tube, and medicines to keep his airway open. We praise God for preserving his life! 

Dwelling on the great love of God did,  however, change my heart. When we behold the greatest suffering ever endured, our suffering becomes more bearable. The camaraderie of sharing in the suffering of Christ dispels isolation and despair.  Fixing our eyes on Christ reminds us that our eternal salvation is secure. We are held by Him. The end of our story is written, and (spoiler alert) it's a really good ending. 

Finding peace in prayer

Praying in moments like these can help us to center our minds on what is true and pour out our emotions to our Heavenly Father. Here's a prayer that's been in my heart: 

Lord God, oh how you love your people! Thank you for showing us this extravagant love. Thank you for loving me to death, taking on my guilt even though you were innocent. Help me to fix my eyes on you, for you are the hope of my heart! The Bible says: “Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” (Hebrews 12:3) In you, there is strength. In you, there is endurance. Holy Spirit, infuse hope into my heart until it overflows.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

If you're in a season where you're not sure what to pray or you need help getting started, here is a list of topical prayers that may help.

About the Author

Mary Brantley Meade lives in Atlanta, Georgia with her husband and three young children. Her background is early childhood education, and she most recently received a masters in counseling from Westminster Theological Seminary. When she’s not counseling or writing, you can find her enjoying the outdoors with her family.