How to Grow in Transparency
Life-giving community that’s built on a foundation of trust, candor, and transparency doesn’t just happen. It takes intentional effort and a humble willingness to let other people into your life.
For those of us that are introverts (and I’m pretty far on that scale), the idea of building community can be intimidating, overwhelming, or even terrifying. But at the same time, regardless of your personality type, each of us has had those relationships that lifted us up, inspired us to get better, and made us feel like we belonged.
So you how you grow a deeper, more meaningful community? Especially when you’re facing the ups and downs, added responsibility, and probably lack of sleep that naturally comes with medical adversity.
I don’t think that we all need to become expert, extroverted networkers. What we really need is a dose of transparency in our current relationships. We need to work on getting to know ourselves better and going deep with the people that are already invested in our life. It’s those relationships that will cause hope to spring up in the most unexpected places and times.
And if we’re intentional, we have a chance to leave a legacy for our children to follow that will equip them to build stronger, deeper relationships that inspire good. I want my girls to love more extravagantly, serve more selflessly, and hope more generously than me and leave a mark on the people they meet.
Here are a few things I’ve been working on in my relationships.
How to be more transparent with your spouse
God designed your spouse to be your best help and strongest advocate on earth. There is no one more important to share your deepest needs and emotions with than him or her. Here are three ways to invest in this invaluable relationship.
1. Reinforce your commitment to each other.
As you look to strengthen your marriage during good and challenging times, be intentional to express to each other your unwavering commitment to your relationship. Commitment and trust are critical foundations for transparency.
Take action: Write a note to your spouse today letting him or her know that your love and commitment to your relationship is stronger than ever.
2. Spend time together.
It’s hard to build trust and grow in transparency if we don’t spend time together. Plan a date night (in or out), go for walks together, or if you’re physically separated due to medical needs, make the time to video chat or talk on the phone.
Take action: Put a time on the calendar to spend uninterrupted time with your spouse. Or better yet, do it today!
3. Pray for your spouse.
So, how does praying for your spouse translate to having a more transparent and meaningful relationship? God cares about your spouse’s heart and your marriage. As you pray for him or her and spend intentional time together, watch how God will bring you together.
Take action: Keep a journal of things that you’re praying for your spouse. From life-giving time with the Lord to emotional healing to joy and peace, a journal can help you look back at God’s faithfulness and work in your marriage.
How to be more transparent with your kids
Do you ever think about the legacy that you’ll leave? Our children often play a central role in our legacy because they’re soaking in our every word and action – even if it seems like they aren’t paying any attention. I truly believe that families walking through medical adversity with their children have a beautiful opportunity to equip their children to handle the unpredictable nature of life with grace. Here are three ways to build transparency with your children.
1. Talk through tough questions together – including your mistakes and worries.
Your kids need to see that you’re a human. Let them know that you have worries and that you think about the big questions, too. Let them ask you questions like, “where is God in all this?” Or, “why is this happening to me?” In processing together, you’ll watch your children build a faith of their own while building a relationship that they will come back to time and time again.
As an important note, there’s a beautiful story where Corrie ten Boom describes how her father addressed some of her big questions when he felt like she was too young for the heaviness of the issue. In those cases, his response was, “For now you must trust me to carry it for you.” There are some times when we have to use discernment to gauge whether or not our children are old enough and mature enough to handle heavier topics.
Take action: What is a worry you’re dealing with today? Pray about it, and ask God to give you the wisdom and courage to talk through it with your child. Or you may simply want to sit down with your child and ask them what things they’ve been wondering or worrying about.
2. Listen well. And ask questions.
Transparency is mutual. One of the ways to build deeper relationships with your kids is to listen to them. This takes time, willingness to put down the phone, and self control to ask more questions and offer fewer opinions. While this feels like one of the hardest ones to work on, I’m excited to see how God teaches me to listen better and how my girls will be impacted by it.
Take action: Schedule a “date” to spend time with your child and put away your phone while you’re together. Ask about what things he or she is excited, worried, or sad about. Here’s a list of conversation starters that might help.
3. Pray for your kids.
There are so many things to pray for our kids, but I think a critical one is praying for their relationships and that they will feel like conversation with you is a safe place. As you pray for your child’s heart, pray for the wisdom and discernment to relate to him or her in a way that honors them and points to the love and grace of Jesus.
Take action: Set up a weekly prayer schedule where you pray about a different thing for your child each day. For example:
SUN: Heart
MON: Courage
TUE: Relationships & Friends
WED: Truth
THURS: Faith
FRI: Purity
SAT: Kindness
How to be more transparent with your friends
Having a strong family is critical, but we also need to have strong, life-giving relationships with friends. A good friend will listen to our worries, grieve and rejoice with us, and tell us what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear. Here are three ways to grow in transparency with your friends.
1. Make time to get together.
It’s hard to build a friendship without time together. With a job, family commitments, doctor appointments, and the many other things vying for your time, this may be a challenge to schedule, but it’s important. Remember: you’re not an island.
Take action: Make a call on your commute or grab lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile this week. Or maybe you have availability to grab a coffee or tea in the morning while kiddos are at school.
2. Ask questions.
On the surface, growing in transparency seems like it’s all about what’s on your heart on a deeper level. But a friendship is never one-sided. Let your friend know when you need a listening ear, but otherwise, make sure you ask questions about what’s happening on the other side of the table. Ask about what they think about your situation or how they think you should respond. Asking questions is a powerful way to show respect and build a foundation of trust.
Take action: The next time you give an update to a close friend, ask what he or she would have done. And listen carefully.
3. Say ‘thank you’ when a friend listens well.
Friendships where you can unload about life’s stresses, talk about your latest failing, or talk about the fears you’re grappling with are a special thing. Without trust and admiration, that level of transparency is hard to come by. Make sure that you express your gratitude to the friends you have that “stick closer than a brother.”
Take action: Write a thank you note to a friend to let him or her know how much you appreciate the support, encouragement, and listening ear.
How to be more transparent with God
The difficulties of life, especially medical challenges for a child, can turn the world upside down. There is a temptation to turn from God and search for our deepest hope somewhere else. While our relationships with our spouse, family, and friends are critical, unwavering hope is ultimately found in relationship with the person of Jesus. Regardless of where you stand with God today, here are three things you can do to explore what having a deeper relationship with Him is like.
1. Engage your emotions.
God created you. He knows our emotions and can handle our most paralyzing fears, our deepest hurts, and our fiercest anger. In fact, I believe He wants to hear about your deepest lows and your greatest victories.
Take action: The next time you pray to God, take a few minutes to let him know how you feel about the challenges you’re up against or the latest news you’ve received. Then spend a few minutes in quiet to let the emotions settle and see how your heart responds.
2. Read the Psalms.
Do you ever feel like you don’t know what to say or where to start with God? I love the fact that a significant portion of the Bible is dedicated to showing us how other people poured out their worries, fear, thankfulness, and worship to God with deep transparency.
Take action: Take a few minutes to read in the Psalms today. Maybe start with Paslm 42.
3. Ask difficult questions.
The times that I’ve been bold enough to ask God the tough questions that keep me up at night or burn in my mind have resulted in some of the most meaningful times spent with Him. I don’t always come away from that time with a neat and tidy answer, but I know He loves to meet us with His beautiful peace.
Take action: Dedicate 15 minutes of prayer to a question you’re wrestling with. I like to make sure I have at least 10 minutes of quiet to listen and process any Bible verses or people that come to mind.